I've got to the age of 50 and realised that I'm only now learning so much about life. I was quite protected as a child, nothing dramatic really happened to me and I was very sensitive. Of course that's a good thing, but that naive, gentle upbringing does mean that I've spent my adult life so far feeling a sense of over anxiety about relatively small things and struggle with change. I read recently that we all must accept that life can be hard, change is constant, and living with that means constant work. If I accept that change is a constant in life, then I need to continually adjust and it's in connecting with others that I can find strength to deal with it.
Over the years I've lost friends and family, whether through death or through them moving on or away. It is always difficult to deal with, and I've had to adjust when people just fade from my life. I still miss some of those people I've lost or feel sad about those who were once so close to me, and who are now just acquaintances. I'm aware that I possibly feel things rather more deeply than others, maybe even care more deeply. I've taken many years to really know how to make friends, although I still don't have that many even now.
I've also been quite aware how much the actions of others can truly baffle me - how people seeming to be good, moral people can also be bitter, unforgiving and horribly unkind to people they don't understand. I'm at least self aware to have finally realised that I have very little impact on the actions of others, and all I can do is to live my life how I see fit. It still shocks me how badly people treat each other and I will always find it so difficult to watch.
More than anything, I don't want life to make me hard, bitter or unyielding. I want to keep being open, accepting and loving towards the world. To be sensitive to the beauty and light in life, to see the good in people and in creation. To accept that so much may be tired, grubby and broken but I can try to see glimmers of light.
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