Ghosts of the past

I saw someone from a distance the other day.  A very ordinary, plain woman who I once knew, and I haven't seen for over two years. She didn't look interesting or pretty or animated.  Her face betrayed no feelings, she had no sparkle, no warmth.  Although she was with a large group of others she didn't really interact with them.  It was as if she was separate from the others, maybe even above them and their concerns.  I even felt there was a pompousness there, a sense of self importance.  She seemed to be a ghost, a wraith, unreal.


When I first saw her, I expected  a deeply visceral reaction; I expected to feel intimidated, insecure, angry, bitter.  She was a ghost from my past, although never someone who was a real friend or who ever cared for me.  I had spent much of the last two years feeling I was lacking, that she had something special I didn't.  Seeing that face made me realise that she was the person who was lacking.  She wasn't special or startling or very important.

This may sound as if I'm arrogant or hating another woman mindlessly,  but that isn't the case.  It isn't about comparison, it is about realising my own worth after a very difficult couple of years.  I'm aware of my own failings, my insecurities.  I'm lazy, impatient, too easily upset, too anxious and sometimes I'm too judgemental.  However I'm kind, warm, friendly, affectionate, animated.  I love people deeply and I try hard to appreciate the people in my life.  I don't betray people, I'm intelligent and love learning.  I'm creative and empathetic and I am interested in other people.  I try not to be self important and I hate self pity.  I've worked so very hard not to allow myself to become bitter or wizened by pain and sorrow.

I realised that she has become unimportant to me.  And when I beat myself up at times about whether I have healed quickly enough the fact is that I actually pitied her more than anything.


I know who I am and what is important in my life.  I'm frail and flawed but I do try to live gently,
without causing untold damage to the environment or to other human beings.  I try to concentrate on my family and friends, nature, art, beauty, learning and searching for meaning in an ever changing world.  Perhaps that makes me a bit of a hippy but I don't have a problem with that!



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