I've been thinking about my identity and who I am quite a lot recently. In the last year, an important part of who I considered myself to be - a wife or partner, has been taken away from me. I'm not sure I realised until this phase of my life ended, that with the title of wife came with a status. Now I keep asking myself, who am I?
I do feel lucky that I have always had a very strong sense of self. I've always been self aware and known what kind of person I am and what I stand for. When I was young, I was aware that I wasn't typical or average and that was tough at times, but as I've grown older I've accepted that and now celebrate my own quirks and interests. I've been very lucky to have family and friends who not only accepted me, but encouraged my interests - in music (whether it's Bing Crosby, Tudor polyphony or Elvis), art and crafts, reading, bird spotting and family history. When my life is rocked, I always have art, music and books to run to.
The last year has made me doubt myself and my self worth and that isn't a comfortable place to be. I can't imagine how someone with a lesser sense of self or a less supportive family could cope. As the year has progressed, and I feel tired out by confusion, and feeling sick to the stomach of being strong, I keep on hearing an increasingly loud and slightly angry voice shouting in my head, "WHAT ABOUT ME?" That slightly angry, determined voice is what has kept me determined to get on with things and not just survive but eventually to thrive.
I feel that this is MY time now. I need to please myself and rebuild my life to how I want it to be. As I've said before, art and creativity are a large part of that. It is an essential part of who I am. I have also developed other interests in the last decade which I still want to be involved with - bird watching, baking cakes, improving my cooking skills, reading novels (I've read 24 books this year so far), writing and WI. There will be new skills to master and books, new (or old) paintings, books, songs and films to discover. And eventually, I'm hoping that my blog will be filled more with excitement of new discoveries rather than all this naval gazing!
I do feel lucky that I have always had a very strong sense of self. I've always been self aware and known what kind of person I am and what I stand for. When I was young, I was aware that I wasn't typical or average and that was tough at times, but as I've grown older I've accepted that and now celebrate my own quirks and interests. I've been very lucky to have family and friends who not only accepted me, but encouraged my interests - in music (whether it's Bing Crosby, Tudor polyphony or Elvis), art and crafts, reading, bird spotting and family history. When my life is rocked, I always have art, music and books to run to.
The last year has made me doubt myself and my self worth and that isn't a comfortable place to be. I can't imagine how someone with a lesser sense of self or a less supportive family could cope. As the year has progressed, and I feel tired out by confusion, and feeling sick to the stomach of being strong, I keep on hearing an increasingly loud and slightly angry voice shouting in my head, "WHAT ABOUT ME?" That slightly angry, determined voice is what has kept me determined to get on with things and not just survive but eventually to thrive.
I feel that this is MY time now. I need to please myself and rebuild my life to how I want it to be. As I've said before, art and creativity are a large part of that. It is an essential part of who I am. I have also developed other interests in the last decade which I still want to be involved with - bird watching, baking cakes, improving my cooking skills, reading novels (I've read 24 books this year so far), writing and WI. There will be new skills to master and books, new (or old) paintings, books, songs and films to discover. And eventually, I'm hoping that my blog will be filled more with excitement of new discoveries rather than all this naval gazing!
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